By Stacy DeBroff 

Encouraging Your Child to Stick with it a While Longer 

• Many kids go through periods when they question their commitment to an activity. Your job is to help your child ascertain if it is a phase that will pass or an irresolvable issue.

• Agree with your child that she must do her best for a specific amount of time. Talk with your child about giving new activities a fair chance. Set a “wait and see” time period for the rest of the season or the remaining prepaid lessons. After that point, she can decide whether she still wants to quit or wants to stick with it. This extra time may enable her to enjoy the activity, or at the very least be able to make a more informed decision about quitting.

• Quitting teaches your child instant gratification as opposed to working hard at something that has a deeper, lasting satisfaction and sense of accomplishment. It also promotes a philosophy of simply jumping from one thing to the next the minute something doesn’t make her feel good. You don’t want your child to make giving up a repeated pattern that carries over to other areas or into her adult life.

• While you should take her feelings seriously, make it a basic family rule that your child should “stick it out” unless her physical or emotional well-being is at stake. Your child must then put thought into the sign-up process, understanding that she must honor her commitments, especially to a team who is depending on her.

• Take your child to events that build up or sustain a passion for the activity, where she gets to see the activity performed on a professional level.

• Reasons to discuss with your child why you want her to keep going:

• You’ve invested a lot of money and time in lessons or equipment, or have prepaid for a season.

• You feel that your child hasn’t really given it a fair chance.

• You feel that this particular activity benefits your child, giving her something she wouldn’t otherwise have, such as exercise, a team experience, a base of musical knowledge, or simply something to do on Tuesday afternoons other than hang out with you or a babysitter.

• She complains about going, you have a hard time motivating her to get out the door, but once she’s there, she has a great time. It may be that your child has a difficult time transitioning from home or straight from school to an activity.

• She has not been engaged in the activity very long. Teaching perseverance and commitment has its merits, but you must weigh these principles against the misery your child feels.

• Your child has waffled in the past, but with your encouragement has come to love activities she has stuck out.

• Teammates are depending on her, and if she quits mid-season, they will be left in the lurch.

MAKING IT A FAMILY POLICY NOT TO QUIT

• In order to teach your child about commitment and responsibility, make it a general family policy that your child commits to finishing what she starts. This helps shift the angst of the process to carefully thinking through sign-ups, instead of on dropping out of a particular activity. Encourage lots of discussion and investigate options before signing up. That having been said, clearly you don’t want to force your child to continue an activity that’s creating a great deal of stress, anxiety, unhappiness, or making her feel badly about herself.

• Some parents feel it’s simply unacceptable to quit a team except in extreme circumstances. If this is how you feel, tread cautiously and take into consideration your child’s age. If your elementary school child is trying out team sports for the first time, the experience will be new to her. However, as your child gets older, you should be more adamant about her seeing a commitment through, except under extreme circumstances or if your child is profoundly unhappy.

• Carefully consider whether you think a particular activity is good for her (such as exercise she wouldn’t otherwise get) or something you consider essential (like learning to swim).

TIMES WHEN CALLING IT QUITS MAKES SENSE

• Ultimately, your job is to teach your child to make independent and thoughtful decisions about what’s in her best interest. Quitting piano may end her chances to be a concert pianist or win a college music scholarship, but that may very well not matter a bit to her, as her passions lie elsewhere. Moreover, pushing your child against her will may only serve to make her hate the activity and feel resentful towards you.

• Although it is important to encourage your child’s interests, don’t keep pushing a passion. In letting your child make her own decisions, you are acknowledging that passions sometimes wane. Give your child the right to quit when she has taken it as far as she wants.

• If your child is miserable, frustrated, and has taken an ego-beating, she may well be justified in washing her hands of a particular endeavor. In fact, she may be following a strong intuition that the situation is wrong for her. Your child’s health and emotional well-being should come first and foremost, and she may be the best judge of this.

• If you’ve tried everything and your child still moans and groans before every lesson or practice, then it’s time to back off. Let her stop the activity so her frustration doesn’t become generalized to hating all music, sports, or lessons.

THE PROCESS OF QUITTING ITSELF

• Once the final decision has been made, support your child’s choice. Tell your child, “Okay, we support you,” and have your actions mirror that sentiment as well. At this point, whole-heartedly supporting your child’s decisions is important for her feelings of self-worth. Don’t be afraid that you may be raising a perennial quitter when your elementary age child decides she has had enough.

• Talk about quitting in terms of taking a hiatus. Tell your child, “It sounds like you need a break.” Emphasize that this is not a permanent decision. Leave your child the option to take the activity up again later if it becomes more appealing. Sometimes a child just needs a sabbatical from the activity to regroup.

• Ask your child to go with you to tell her coach/teacher that she has decided to leave the activity and why. Even if this is the most basic of explanations and exchanges, it will provide your child with much-needed closure.

• Offer your child the option of switching to a different activity, so that if she quits soccer, she agrees to try a different sport that will continue to build her physical skills and fitness.

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