WHEN YOUR CHILD WANTS TO QUIT

• When is it okay for your child to stop participating in an activity or sport? How do you respond when your child announces, “I QUIT!” two practices into a sport? What do you do when your child declares: “I hate flute and I’m never going back!” Of course, this is often the same activity she begged you to sign her up for in the first place.

• Your child’s desire to quit can become emotional for you as well given all the time, money, and emotional investment you make in her activities. After spending thousands of dollars on lessons, elite teams, travel, specialty camps, and tournaments, it is natural to want to see a return on your investment. This could either take the form of your child achieving a certain level of success or happiness from the pursuit. Blowing off flute or ballet after years of lessons no longer becomes a casual decision.

• Sometimes you can address your child’s frustration and quickly resolve it, while at other points moving on to something else makes the most sense. At other times, you may want your child to stick out the activity either because she made a commitment or you consider it to be essential.

• Never use bribes, rewards, or the threat of punishment in order to get your child to continue an activity. The minute you find yourself tempted to do so, it’s likely that you are bringing your own strong feelings about the activity into the mix. The point of activities should be fun, learning, and skill-building. Using rewards to keep her going undermines the character building and internal motivation that activities can ignite.

• Your difficult job is to help your child ascertain when quitting makes sense, as it raises important issues including burnout, overload, commitment, perseverance, and getting enough physical exercise.

UNCOVER THE HEART OF THE MATTER

• If your child wants to quit a sport, find out what the problem is before you do anything rash. Deciding how much to push your child in a particular activity involves a thoughtful assessment of why she wants to quit in the first place.

• More than 70% of children below age 13 drop out of youth sports because of an overemphasis on winning, abusive coaches, or because they don’t get enough chances to play in games.

• Compare notes with other parents. When waiting on the sidelines of a game or dropping off and picking up from a practice or lesson, take the time to talk with other parents about their children’s experience. Determining if their children express similar concerns as your child will help you assess the validity of her complaints.

• Go to a practice, but don’t watch. Instead, close your eyes and listen for awhile. What you hear will give you a great indication of what’s really going on. You should hear laughter and not silence from the kids or shouting from the coach. The tenor of the interactions among the kids as well as with the coach can give you a great deal of insight to the emotional underpinnings of a situation. Observe how your child responds to the coach or teacher and to her peers. Evaluate what in the dynamic leaves her feeling frustrated and discouraged.

• Whatever reasons your child offers for wanting to quit, there is more than likely an underlying cause of her unhappiness. Your goal is to get beyond your child’s superficial complaint, which may be as evasive as “I don’t have fun” or “I just don’t want to do it anymore.” Her desire to quit may even be the symptom of another problem of which she’s not even fully aware. Did she say she wanted to quit in a moment of intense frustration, or did she really mean it?

• If your child comes home sullen, downcast, or sulky after practice, find out what’s troubling her. Try to get to the heart of the matter by carefully listening to her feelings. Ask your child specific questions about her experience to see if you can remedy the situation, or if she’s better off moving on to the next activity.

• Ask your child why she wants to quit and what prompted her decision. Just give her time to vent and then go from there. Look for a practical solution.

• Help your child understand her reasons for wanting to quit. When she says “I’m bored,” this may mask underlying feelings of incompetence or tension with other teammates. Try to get to the specifics when it comes to your child’s frustrations and dislikes, and assess whether these can be changed.


DEALING WITH YOUR OWN FRUSTRATION

• The decision to drop out of sports can be very emotional for both you and your child.
• Especially if you have invested a lot of time, money, and emotion into your child’s pursuit of a sport, it can feel like a personal betrayal when your child suddenly decides she’s had enough.

• You may find yourself worrying that your child may become a habitual quitter, lazy, or wasting away her potential. Just because your child quits ballet or karate at age 8 does not mean she will be a quitter as an adult.

• If you are friends with other parents through an activity, your child quitting may mean you do not get to hang out with them anymore, such as on the sidelines.

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