U.S. Airways. Okay, I am stooping to name calling: U. Suck Airlines. UselesS Airlines. All of the above.

All for my $632 roundtrip airfare between Boston and Los Angeles for meetings yesterday.

Checking in:

Want to upgrade to the exit row? Want more leg room in our new, special, roomy rows? First class upgrade? More than one suitcase? Step right up to the ticket counter with your credit card ready.

You want to make sure your frequent flyer number is in our system? Eye roll, please! That will take time. Plus (strong head shake), I do not know how to do that on this system. Can’t you deal with this when you get home? Call customer service.”

Boarding:

“Hold it right there, Ma’am!” comes the authoritative command of Lisa, part-flight attendant and part-inspector general. “With your purse outside of your computer bag, that makes three items!” “Oh, sorry…the purse slips right into the bag.” “Well, go step back outside this plane and fix that!” Three people behind me let me through to slip the purse inside the bag in two seconds flat so that I can re-board.

En Route:

Water? Seltzer? That would now be $2 a drink.

Wine or beer? $7. And they will even throw in the cup for free.

Cash only, exact change appreciated. And by the way, please have your tray table down and cash waiting for the attendants as they come down the aisle.

Scrambling to have the $2 cash in hand, I wonder if asking for a piece of lime with the seltzer will A) cost me an additional dollar or B) get Lisa dashing down the aisle, brows furrowed with harassment concerns.

I lower the tray table. And what awaits me? A bold red, white and blue Zicam Allergy Relief Gel Swabs ad. Also available in a Nasal Gel Spray.

Hungry? We have a snack box for $5, and cold sandwiches…oops strike that. We ran out of those. Pretzels? Peanuts? Complimentary snacks? Umm…could you say that slowly, it rang some kind of bell in my long lost memories.

Headphones for the movie? A bargain today for $5.

With a five-hour flight from Los Angeles to Boston ahead, I slump down into my seat, count out my dollar bills, check my seat belt for logos, put down the window shade: nope, no ads there yet, and settle in for the U.S. Airways commercial messages before the movie begins: Bermuda? We fly there! Hey, check out Planet Hollywood! Read your U.S. Airways magazine… jammed packed with specials from our corporate partners. Another pre-movie ad: SKY MALL! Shop while you fly. Check out the bargains!

Oh, and did I mention the cocktail napkin? Yep, more advertising for U.S. Airways’ TEXTUS program for enrolling in dividend miles.

Finally, we’re landing! The flight attendants will be going through the aisles to collect ALL open cans, all cups, all drinks. ONLY if you have the lid tightly screwed on your bottle of water can you keep that. Everything else must be handed over to the trash. And tray tables up.

Now if I paid $20 more in airfare, could they skip the commercials, get the tray table back to its plain off-gray color, give me cold seltzer with lime to my heart’s content, hand out not one but even two bags of mini-pretzels, have headphones in the seat pocket, and let me watch the movie and sip my remaining half can of seltzer in peace?

 

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