The Woman Who is Always Tan and Has a Flat Stomach (And Other Annoying People)

by Lauren Allison and Lisa Perry

Review:

 In elementary school, it’s the girl who had pierced ears before everyone else and had her own pony. In high school, it’s the cheerleader who dates the hottest guy in school and always has perfect hair. In college, it’s the girl who goes to lecture dressed up for a night on the town. And in adulthood, it’s “The Woman Who is Always Tan and Has a Flat Stomach.”

Lauren Allison and Lisa Perry, two moms from Colorado, have written a hilarious take on all those annoying icons of motherhood. There are twenty-nine short chapters, each devoted to an annoying person. “The Perfect Brownie Leader Who Uses Global Positioning Satellites to Send Photos to the Parents,” “The Scrapbooking Mom Who Made A Scrapbook So Large She Could Only Bring It Downstairs By Hiring Professional Piano Movers,” and “The Mom Who Throws A Cinderella Birthday Party For Her Daughters By Installing A Drawbridge To The Front Door and Digging A Moat Around The House,” are only a few of the characters we’re introduced to.

The authors use an appealing mix of hyperbole and self-deprecating humor, and the result is an enjoyable, laugh-out-loud funny book. They write of the titular woman, “Not only is she always thin, she is always tan. In her ancestry she was lucky enough to have a great-great-grandfather who was Italian or Spanish. Obviously, my ancestors were only thinking of themselves and not me when they only married other Norwegians. Would it have hurt anyone to marry someone whose name was not Lars or Ole so that we could have gotten some more color in our skin tones?”

But their stories aren’t just about other moms. Much ink is devoted to their husbands, who think that wood can’t be painted over and believe that a cold is malaria. In one particularly funny tale, Perry recounts how her husband took offense when he got back his stolen luggage only to find that the thief didn’t take anything. ("My clothes have been cast aside as inferior by some fashion-conscious crook!” he says indignantly.)

There are so many how-to books out there about how to do something perfectly, whether it’s cooking, crafts, gardening, or exercising, so it’s refreshing to read a book that articulates what all of us really feel: perfect people are annoying. We may envy “The Woman Who Cleans Out Her Refrigerator Every Thursday Whether It Smells Or Not” or “The Woman Who Has Her Christmas Cards, Shopping, and Decorating Done By Thanksgiving,” but realistically, we know we’re not willing to put forth the effort to be her.

In sum, The Woman Who Is Always Tan and Has a Flat Stomach is a book for anyone who’s ever encountered “The Couple Who Write The Holiday Letter About How Their Little Timmy Came Up With an Alternative to Fossil Fuels” or “The Nutrition Mom Who Needs To Be Resuscitated After Finding Out That You Fed Her Child A Hot Dog.”

In other words, everybody.

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