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By Stacy DeBroff
It used to be that the big debate on the mom frontier was stay-at-home versus working moms, but there’s a new battle in town. The latest Mommy Wars focus on the birth of a new strain of stay-at-home moms, moms with Energizer-Bunny type force that have invaded the mommy turf like kudzu weeds, plowing over everything in their path. The phrase coined to describe these mothers is, appropriately, "alpha" moms.
Are you an alpha mom? Consider these scenarios:
1. Your child tells you that the music department is having a fundraiser bake sale. Do you grab the nearest
box of Pillsbury brownies, bake up a pan, and charge $1 per brownie, OR do you plan your own fundraiser,
convincing the local culinary school to donate their talents to host a chocolate buffet at $25 per ticket,
"single-handedly" raising $5000 for the department?
2. Your child's school announces a weekend field trip to a historical site. Do you give your child the signed
permission slip and required fee to attend the trip, OR do you volunteer to be a chaperone, organize a group
of parent helpers, and work with the school to improve the itinerary?
3. A few neighbors chat about having a family barbeque. Do you agree to come and dig out Aunt Ida's recipe
for cucumber potato salad, OR do you call every neighbor on the street and convince everyone to participate
instead in a family day, complete with food, entertainment for the kids, and team sport competitions?
If you chose the latter scenarios, chances are you're an alpha mom. Alpha moms are tech-savvy, highly
ambitious, extremely productive, and more organized than the Library of Congress. They have a blackberry in
one hand and a laptop in the other, they keep track of their lives on an Excel spreadsheet, they can shop
anyone else under the table, and they have no free time, even though they don’t sleep. They sense a need
and jump to the rescue with the military finesse of a general commandeering his troops, and they run their
family the way a true executive would run a business. Which means, naturally, that they're extremely effective
at getting things done, yet they are also both intimidating and alienating to everyone else involved, rarely
leaving room for others' opinions or ideas. They are the Lone-Ranger leaders of the PTO circuit.
How are alpha moms created? Often they are the highly driven MBAs and JDs that have taken the plunge into
parenthood and embraced their new role as mom (often, but not always, stay-at-home) with an energy and
intensity some can only dream about. They have charisma, influence, and an ability to round others up to
help them with amazing precision. Which means that the vigor and dominance once channeled into their jobs
is now directed at the PTA, their child's soccer team, the school's annual production of Grease, the
neighborhood block party…anything that cries out for an alpha mom's unused skills and energy. Their goal is
not just to complete the task, but to do it unbelievably well and beyond everyone's wildest expectations. It's
a personal challenge as well as one for everyone else to admire.
Which is why alpha moms probably don't even realize the storms left brewing in their wake. It's the other moms, sometimes called the "beta" moms or the "slacker" moms, who gripe about alpha moms. They resent being judged and plunged back to the clique-filled days of junior high. Interestingly, although there are a growing number of articles describing or praising the go-get-‘em attitude of the alpha mom, chat rooms discussing the phenomenon are predominantly crowded with resentful slacker moms who can’t compete.
Slacker moms are often surprised by their title. They are by no means lazy or indifferent when it comes to their children. They've simply fallen into the "other" mom category, refusing to succumb to the high-powered Martha Stewart gloss of the alpha moms. Whereas an alpha mom strives for her kids to meet or exceed their potential, often with the help of her own overzealous and professionally-executed planning and activities, a slacker mom believes kids should be kids, and thinks that store-bought cookies taste just as good as homemade when the class party is mere hours awayThey often feel that they're doing a great job as parents, that is, except when they find themselves caught in the shadow of an alpha mom. Alpha moms set the standard, raise the bar, push the limits. Against these lofty standards, slacker moms end up falling short. They are not slackers in any sense of the word in terms of their parenting skills or relationship with their children; rather, alpha moms simply leave them in the dust when it comes to extra-curricular mothering, making them so-called slackers in terms of their peer-to-peer interactions and the amount of time spent out there mobilizing their kids and spearheading projects. It is through this relationship that the alphas define the betas, who had previously just been going along happily with their “laissez-faire” attitudes, throwing pizza parties instead of catered affairs. They are slackers by comparison only, and often are no longer able to even recognize what is realistic for them to accomplish – with the end result being pressure to do more. A lot more. Even if they don’t have the time to organize and head the group landscaping the entire school or to plan a party for a 2-year old’s birthday that rivals most weddings.
Not everyone falls neatly into the alpha or slacker mom type. Most moms overlap with qualities of both. Supermoms in the community are not necessarily Lone Rangers in their own homes. And a slacker mom who only participates in the annual teacher-parent conference may have a highly structured after-school schedule for their kids. Being an alpha mom is therefore not an identity that defines you - it’s a role. Yet it’s a role that some moms play much better than others. Which is not to say that, if you’re going to be labeled as slacker, you might as well embrace the label full-on with daily martini play dates and a refusal to show up at Alpha mom meccas like preschool volunteer meetings, sports teams’ parent groups, or party planning committees.
The bottom line is that both moms have qualities the other should recognize and appreciate. Alpha moms can make immense contributions and accomplish anytask with skill and precision. But they need to know how, in doing so, they can alienate others who are also trying to help. They need to encourage others' participation, be accepting of the fact that not everyone shares their standards, and ultimately be willing to share in the glory. No matter how well they can get things done on their own, consensus and co-participation will always result in an outcome that everyone can feel good about. A slacker mom, for her part, can learn to celebrate the successes of an alpha mom without feeling the pressure to become a carbon copy or giving up entirely after failing to measure up. They need to find and express their own voice and participate in ways that they feel comfortable with without holding themselves to the standards of others After all, every mom’s first priority is her kids – regardless of how she gets things done.