"It's all brand new." -- Madonna, The Immaculate Collection, 1990, Sire Records
By Tricia Goyer, author of Generation NeXt Marriage
Growing up, all of us develop expectations of what marriage is like. And when we finally meet that special someone our expectations reach an all-time high.
This is going to be GREAT, we think as we confess our love to each other.
This is the person I've looked for all my life!
In the beginning things are great. Discussions focus on happy things like dreams and values and future kids. It never crosses our mind to talk about real-life stuff. In fact, I like to compare the dating relationship to M&M candies. We're so excited about the shiny, varied colors of our attraction, and the sweet chocolate of romance, we don't pay much attention to the other person's nutty opinions, habits, and real-ness . . . until we bite in.
I didn't realize, until after I said "I do," that marriage isn't about the future. It's about the present. It's not about possible careers
or imaginary kids. It's about everyday stuff like toothpaste tubes and laundry piles, or Monday Night Football and karate films versus chick flicks.
As women, we picture our future-spouse as the man who will continue to listen and care, continue to flatter us and attend to our whims. And the men in our lives really do think we'll continue to shoot hoops in the driveway...or sit next to him, handing over tools, as he works on his car. After all, this is life with each other pre-wedding. Why would we expect any different?
"It's not uncommon for women, when they are single, to join men in pursuing their interests. They find themselves hunting, fishing, playing football, and watching movies they would never have chosen on their own," writes Willard F. Harley, Jr. author of His Needs, Her Needs. "After marriage wives often try to interest their husbands in activities more to their own liking. If their attempts fail, they may encourage their husbands to continue their recreational activities without them."[i]
The biggest unrealistic expectation is the notion things will "continue like they did when we dated" (with the bonus of living together
and the added fun of sex, of course).
What newlyweds often forget is that dating is more about impressing the other person than revealing our true selves. Sure, I hiked with my beau...that's because I wanted to spend time with him. And yes, John tromped through the mall with me for hours at a time and wore the new outfits I picked for him. After all, he was just like one of those birds that display its brightly colored feathers, strutting its stuff, before a mating ritual. John was on his best behavior.
Like Madonna sang, "It's all brand new . . . I'm crazy for you."
But oftentimes we discover the things that drive us crazy in love are the very things that drive us insane during marriage
Can anyone give me an Amen?
Tricia Goyer is the author of seven novels, six non-fiction books, and one children's book. Tricia was named MHCW's "Writer of the Year" in 2003. In 2005, her book Life Interrupted was a finalist for the Gold Medallion. Also in 2005, her novel Night Song won ACFW's Book of the Year for Long Historical Romance. In 2006, her novel Dawn of a Thousand Nights also won Book of the Year for Long Historical. She's written over 300 articles for national publications and hundreds of Bible Study notes for the Women of Faith Study Bible. Tricia lives in Montana with her husband and three kids where she homeschools, leads children's church, and mentors teenage mothers.
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