By Stacy Debroff 

It is tempting for each of us to brag about our adored kids, but we all know parents who seem to use megaphones in their pronouncements. It is often well-educated, super-accomplished parents who expect their children not only to do as well as they have, but to do even better as the next generation and their progeny. These parents become walking billboards for their children. And it is done under the guise of friendly banter among friends and neighbors.

Boasting happens everywhere. It is just about impossible to sit on the sidelines of a kids sporting event and not hear at least one parent boast about the latest and greatest accomplishment of their child. You now hear parents raving about their amazing child everywhere; from the 2-page holiday letters to playgroups for babies and toddlers, and while waiting at school pick-up. These parents assume their child’s latest success will be viewed as captivating and wondrous by all who listen, a validation of their superb parenting skills or genes! Instead it causes other parents to feel anxious and resentful.

~ Boasting tends to bother us because it comes off as smug and obnoxious. Plus, the parents doing it have often pushed their kids to either athletic or academic extremes, and overloaded them in the process. But thing is, what these parents are saying is usually true! And that is what creates your cringe factor when you hear over the top boasting.

It particularly bothers us because it strikes in fear in our hearts. It takes the luster right off your own beloved child as you listen and inevitably compare. It leaves you feeling guilty that you may not done enough to discover or nurture all the hidden talents of your own child’s hidden talents or potential. You wonder if you have picked the wrong sports, musical instrument, arts, or other activities for your children in which they can emerge superstars. Suddenly, special coaching, lessons or tutoring seems like an emergency issue based on the achievements of others.

We feel the need to boast due to a mix of pride and basic insecurity: Parents feel uncertain about how good a job they are doing: it is no longer enough to raise a well-rounded, well-mannered child. Raising a so-called average kid has become a parental stigma: couldn’t you do better? In today’s current child-centric world of parenting, achievements become parental grades. And if your child is excelling, gifted, or talented, parents feel confirmed as A+ parents.

 

Although it may be tempting to one-up them or to say, “Stop right there! Overshare!” or “Okay, You win!” There are 4 better ways to respond:

USE HUMOR
Laugh and say shaking your head, “Wow, and to think that yesterday my kids spent the afternoon sledding and then building an indoor fort out of couch cushions!” or say, “Boy, it sounds like you are having a really good week!” Or you can do what my friend Sara has done for the past 10 years with her friends by gathering all the holiday letters together, laughing and giving out awards for the most unbearable parent boasts of the year.

PAINT THE BIGGER PICTURE
Isn’t it amazing what our kids are accomplishing compared to when we grew up? How did it ever get this way? I often find myself longing for the days of kick-the-can with neighborhood friends!

VALIDATE AND DEFLECT
Just simply say, “You must feel very proud.” That will shut down the boasting commentary, as you have told them what they secretly most want to hear: that they are doing a fabulous job as parents.

BE HONEST
If this is a close friend, share how you really feel without being accusatory: “You know Laura, when I hear you rave about all the great stuff Kelsey is accomplishing, it sometimes makes me feel badly, as if my children are not doing enough or aren’t good enough.”

WHEN BRAGGING IS GOOD

PRAISING YOUR OWN CHILD
It is great to brag right to your child, telling her how amazing her work is, the great effort he has put out, the music piece mastered, her performance in the school play or test score achieved.

GRANDPARENTS
Actually, any time of the day or night to grandparents! And, the best is when you do it intending for it to be overheard by your kids, such as, “Nana, you are not going to believe what a great essay Kyle wrote. She is so eloquent and brilliant! I just mailed you a copy!”

ADVOCACY
Sometimes as a parent you did to need to be your child’s biggest supporter, such as talking about your child to a coach, teacher or prospective admissions officer.

But you know you have crosses the line if everyone steps two feet away from you on the sidelines and either feigns complete absorption in the game or plugs in their ipods, you know you’ve gone too far!

THE AFFECT ON YOUR KIDS

THE KID BEING RANTED ABOUT
The superstar being ranted about often shirks back embarrassed and fearful of being able to keep up the huge achievement expectations.

YOUR CHILD LISTENING IN
Meanwhile, your child either feels dejected in comparison: “I might as well quit the flute given how far I am behind” or declares, “Hey! Why doesn’t my basketball team get to go to Disney World too!?”

LASTLY, YOU SAY IT IS IMPORTANT TO LET YOUR CHILD KNOW HOW YOU FEEL

You often have to remind your child about what you value most about people in general and them in particular. Point out the difference between pride and love: you feel proud of them for their successes, and love them for who they are as people. Remind yourself that an intelligent, athletic, musical or talented child being is not the parental achievement of the century. It’s more important to raise kids of character, than walking stellar resumes. And remember that discretion is usually the better part of parenting valor!

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