By Meryl D. Pearlstein 

 If you remember that a Bar or Bat Mitzvah is not a coronation, planning one and attending one (or more) won’t stress you out.  Here are some tips to help you maintain your sanity.

1.  KEEP TELLING YOURSELF, “THIS IS ONLY A BAR MITZVAH, THIS IS ONLY A BAR MITZVAH”

You really don’t need to keep up with the Joneses or Schwartzes to have a beautiful affair.  Just do what’s right for you and what shows your values – you can save the rest for the wedding.  But…. if you want to go overboard, feel free!  After all, this is New York.

2.  REMEMBER THAT THIS IS A RELIGIOUS OCCASION

Don’t lose sight of the fact that a Bar Mitzvah marks a religious coming-of-age for a Jewish child.  There’s more to this than the party.  You and your child will be spending more time at your synagogue “rehearsing” than at auditions for bands, DJs or caricaturists.  It helps if you can establish a relationship with your rabbi, cantor and Bar Mitzvah tutor.

3.   FOCUS ON THE STAR OF THE SHOW, YOUR CHILD, BUT DON’T OVERDO IT

It’s natural to be nervous about singing in front of a crowd.  But how about doing it in front of 200 of your closest friends and relatives, when your voice is changing, in a language you can barely comprehend, and while you’re still wearing braces?  Accentuate the positive about your child’s performance and help him or her prepare.  Familiarity breeds confidence.

4.   HAVE A BUDGET IN MIND

Expenses grow exponentially each time someone has a great idea.  To flash a montage of photos of your child from creation to “coronation” sounds like the right thing to do, but have you priced it out?  You might want to consider a simpler, yet equally impactful photo display on a table or a blow-up board.

5.  GET RECOMMENDATIONS

Speak to anyone you know who’s had a Bar or Bar Mitzvah in the past couple of years.  That’s your best bet for figuring out will and won’t work for you.  That’s the time to reconsider whether you’d rather take the family on a vacation instead of spending all the money to entertain a gang here.

6.   BOOK YOUR VENUE, CATERER, FLORIST AND PHOTOGRAPHER EARLY

Do your homework and evaluate these as soon as you can.  Invitations, clothes, favors, hotel and brunch reservations and the hordes of other details you’ll be handling can wait until a few months before.  Note particularly busy event months like June and October, as you’ll be in competition with weddings, graduation parties and business gatherings.

7.  SPEND A LOT OF TIME PLANNING THE GUEST LIST

Ideally, you want a mixing of friends and family that’s easy and fun.  After all, this is a happy occasion, one where everybody feasts and imbibes and where people even dance together.  Play the role of list police and pare down unnecessary guests of guests and children of relatives.

8.  TREAT YOUR OUT-OF-TOWN GUESTS TO SOME REAL NYC HOSPITALITY    

We’re all short on space here, so it’s tough to offer your guests a place to stay.  But you can try to arrange reasonably priced hotel rooms and make them somewhat home-y by delivering a fruit basket and other NYC familiarization stuff to the rooms.  A welcome packet might include a metro card, subway map, passes to the Guggenheim and some bagels, for example.

9.   DON’T FORGET TO SMILE (AND BREATHE)

This is the day you and your child have worked hard for.  Something’s bound to go wrong like misplacing the speech you needed to read or having someone arrive embarrassingly late.  Ad lib.  Vamp.  Do whatever it takes to show that you’re in control and you’re having a good time.

10.  IT’S OK TO THINK ABOUT THE GIFTS

Believe us, your child is thinking about them and every cantillation lesson and rehearsal session with the cantor brings him closer to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  It’s his or her reward for being a good Jew, a good student, and, most importantly, a good kid.  Just be sure to send out thank you notes within one month of the event, if possible.

11.  WRITE OFF YOUR WEEKENDS FOR THE NEXT YEAR    

During Bar Mitzvah season, you and your kids will attend anywhere from one to 50 bar and bat mitzvahs.  No kidding.  If you really think about it, not only will you not be able to schedule out-of-town trips during this time, but you will also become adept at double booking events and parties on the same day and managing to attend them all.

12.  GET CREATIVE ABOUT SHARING THINGS

With so many religious services and “after parties” to go to, you can’t possibly wear a new outfit or dress each time (although boys have it pretty easy, as they only need to change their ties occasionally – Nicole Miller has the most fun ones, hands down).  Trade off tops, skirts and dresses with your friends so that you have a full rotation of clothes to show off.  No one will be the wiser.  This can also work with jewelry and shoes (which you kick off anyway and exchange for socks that are handed out at the parties for dance time).  Besides the department stores, shop boutiques like Betsy Johnson, Nicole Miller and Intermix for fun stuff.

13.  COLLABORATIVE GIFT GIVING WILL KEEP YOU FROM GOING BROKE

Girls appreciate jewelry.  Boys like electronics.  Neither is particularly inexpensive.  By pooling contributions from several of your friends, you’ll be able to afford a nicer gift that creates the impression that you really care while also being kind to your pocketbook.

14.  TRY TO REST UP

In the midst of this flurry of services and soirees, there will still be sports activities, dance lessons, music lessons and homework to do each weekend.  It’s important to remind yourself to sleep as much as you can so you don’t hit morning-to-night party burnout.  This should be a time for having fun and perhaps for learning some valuable time management skills for the future.

 

 

Traveling with her two sons and husband has given Meryl Pearlstein a chance to “live” all over the world, something she’s always longed to do. Meryl has been a writer from her earliest days on her junior high school newspaper, then working in marketing and advertising, and later as a travel publicist and travel writer. Meryl also drags her clan to restaurants throughout Manhattan where she critiques the ever-changing NYC food scene for Gayot.com. A Bostonian who remains true to the Red Sox despite her NYC residence, Meryl also writes for Fodor’s Guide to New York, and has written for www.ClubMom.com, the Boston Herald, Global Traveler, Fortune Small Business online, GQ, and New York Magazine.

 

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